I'd wear matching sweaters with you
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
