Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
