I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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