life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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