you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
