grandma shit on top of the toilet
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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