So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
