Umm I'm too high to move.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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