Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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