just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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