My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
