i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
