It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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