my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
