...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
