What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
