when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
