My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
