I am midnight drunk by noon
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
