My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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