god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
