He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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