I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So much rum. So many feels.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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