What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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