When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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