I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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