my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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