He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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