Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
