My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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