What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
