WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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