You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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