I hope mine doesn't look like that
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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