Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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