So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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