life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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