My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
