I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
