You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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