Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
