Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
