I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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