i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
