I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
