i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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