guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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