When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
