Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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