Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
