Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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