I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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