I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
