I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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